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We have done counseling and it always comes back to my issues which I work on but have never seen any change from her. She started losing interest when our children were youngshed be OK with sex once or twice a month, and only when she was in the mood. She would use the excuse of my children may interrupt, although I would point out we have a lock on the door. We had enjoyed a lovely sex life, with the usual speed bumps (kids, work,etc) but we never stopped. We signed for our first mortgage when she was in ICU with fourth-stage cancer. They (we) act most often as though we men are not capable of rational/sentient thought. We have been married 10 years and he has never touched me in an intimate way, or never had sex or even tried. My wife did not give me your three choices, but they are still there. Life is so wonderful! So I know him well, this is extremely painful and heartbreaking. In my experience as a marriage counselor, Ive seen that men can have an argument with their wives the whole day and romance their partner in the end. Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. Im 47 and this happened to me. So, before you start saying things like, My wife never touches me anymore, and misunderstand the problem that youre actually facing, its vital that you try to focus more on why your wife never initiates physical contact. Related Reading: 10 Things To Do When You Are Drifting Apart In Your Relationship. Lets face it, as women age, many lose sex drive, along with experiencing a good number of other sexual problems. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. As Gopa points out, the reasons can stem from resentment to communication gaps or personal issues. As someone who has now gone over 6 years without any contact more intimate than a hug I can tell you it is a relationship killer. He may still be impotent after surgery, no guarantees. She may not understand the first time around, but if you keep trying, perhaps shell understand the need to maintain a balance between her roles as a mother and a wife. We are wired so differently. Been sleeping in separate beds since surgery. However, unless you know why your wife is avoiding sex or any forms of physical intimacy, you wont know what you need to work on. Its just torturing me for no reason. I told her that men my age generally took longer to orgasm and for sex to be mutually enjoyable, we both needed to have pleasure. Im over 60 and Im learning to accept this is the way life is going to be for the rest of my life. They think they do, Men expect women to get hormone therapy to fix the hormone problem. Im only 63 and Ive pretty much just given up. Its a disturbing trap that you must avoid. If you have gone through months or years of being patient with your wife and still arent feeling physically connected, it may be time for marital counseling. Life is complicated at every age but I think as people age, hormone levels drop of course and the baggage of decades gone by begins to weigh heavy on both parties. NO! Really? (d.head || d.body).appendChild(s); She is a poor communicator and no matter how much I ask she gives me the silent treatment and thinks its OK. Is the meds freak Im a woman that actually wants it my newlywed husband has no interest but I can tell he feels bad but hes ex military so hes to prideful to get pills Im 41 i been told a lot that Im beautiful .. ok not going there but I know Im a catch but even making him food in a nighty doesnt work he says wow babe thanks am like . I just dont get it. We have been married 41 years. I think that for me I need the human touch of a mature woman. I bet you think all men are stupid as well. Im 69 and still active. . This was an enlightening comment and reflects what has been my marriage for 35 years. . Im 15 years younger than my husband. My husband and I have been married 6 years. . I sense for it to get all the way to her not wanting to be touched whatsoever at all anymore, something must have happened. Life is definitely funny. If your wife is pregnant or has had a baby in the last year, it could be a mix of pure exhaustion and wild hormones that are causing her libido to be off kilter. It wont fix the sexless marriage. Your stereotypes are both incorrect AND insulting. })(); Basically though, he refuses to talk about this issue with me or anyone else, namely a doctor/therapist, and claims he likes our life the way it is. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. It isnt about the phone or computer. that found low levels of self-esteem harmed a womans sexual functions. Color me confused. Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. Arguments and maltreatment are nothing to put up with. Susan!!! Therefore, building and maintaining an emotional rapport is extremely essential not just for a robust sex life but also for the overall health of the relationship. Then menopause dried it out and the muscles resist and joints spasm, so its painful. Wow! Now, I just want to be wanted by her. I am 55, my husband is 59. In fact, I dont even feel were friends at this point, as we rarely speak to one another (unless I initiate a conversation) and whenever I try and initiate any affection or even merely suggest sex, he bristles, becomes hostile and defensive and thats that. I like the martyr thing, but its no B.S. I domt have to put up with that. Never thought it would happen to me, but it has, plus some other medical problems that leave me exhausted. Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. Look, I am an RN and living with a man who is 5 years older than me. Each year for three years, she assured me she would seek help from a wholistic doctor, which never happened. the you. We tried and tried to get them to call us but their mother has convinced them that I am to blame for our sons death. Tried Testosterone replacement but it made me very sick and ended up in the emergency room with complications . A person wants to, and intends to, stay faithful to their spouse in a sexless marriage and be a good Catholic at the same time is faced with, what seems to me, a no win situation. He will not talk about that either. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. If you deny one you put a wall around the other. She asked me to get castrated because Sex is hurting her. Should be a Clause in sickness and health and sex also! She knows this is a psychological problem and doesnt reflect how I feel about her. If your wife never initiates physical contact, it could be that horror of horrors you may be bad in bed. Lets separate then.NO! Tired of initiating intimacy? So I backed off of seeing this person. Your husband is a very lucky man. Subscribe now (do it here) and dont miss a single column. Instead of asking yourself something along the lines of, What to do when wife wont put out? ask your partner if theyd like to experience something different in bed. Shes sorry, but I love her and say its ok. The nipple is not an on and off switch. She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. Once youre accustomed to porn, youve trained your brain to need it. Every new relationship begins with a promise of love, intimacy and affection. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. I dont even bother to talk to her (all she does is whine and complain). I dont want to sleep in separate rooms or even separate beds. She doesnt complain about helping me out but intercourse is quite painful for her and I dont want to press it if shes in pain. I have kept fit and kept busy. Illness, marital issues, motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. We seem to have fallen into a marriage without sex. Its a two-way street as are most things in marriage. "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. If there is resentments in the home then it will not happen. If your wife doesnt feel attractive anymore, she may shy away from undressing in front of you. Back issues and menopause have completely removed my interest in sex. My grandma used to tell me, You cant fix broken people. In the real world things are very different. Well said my friend. When we first met, we had sex 2X a day morning and night. I in the same boat as your husband. It is more like a revenge. Ive no where to go. Only once really in love. Grab Now! Isnt it such a shame that Bob here, says he masturbates 3x a week and Im sitting here daydreaming what it would feel like to have it again after years that my husband just cant. Demanding sex is not way to go, maybe we would like to hear her opinion. You take care of you! Maybe, she knows of your infidelity, but hasnt spoken about it? Maybe you've started treating your wife differently, toomore likely a mom figure even to you, and less like a wife and lover and sexual being. You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. For a short time shed schedule sex once a week whether or not she felt like itbut then menopause hit and sex dwindled again, diminishing to once or twice a year until we stopped having sex altogether. A marriage I have no interest in ending, ever. He seems to think (as far as I can surmise) that sex is just a little bit dirty or should only be used for procreation purposes. Living alone would reduce frustration of a non-response. My first wife and I married when we were 21. I hope that she too will woo me, always, as well. And really dont know what to do. At 78 and after 47 years of marriage I kind of resigned myself to a sexless marriage.My rabbi was married over 55 years and said he had 4 good years sohe was not complaining.He also said over 90 percent of members of the congregation were miserable in their marriages.I guess he and I. Hello Dave, bcb When was the last time you went out on a date together? Start by losing the weight, shaving the body, washing daily, put some effort into youre own self and for Christs sake, clean up after yourself. Wish I could off you more of a solution but I think things either go on the way they are or there has to be come conclusion. Ive just seen this ,not sure when posted .ive tried so hard to get wife to have sex .she says menopause.then I gave up.but other we I had a beer and told her how I felt .silly beer a..so she been trying to start sex but my body has closed down to her .im worried ive turned off to her mentally.I do love her but shes noticed im not getting aroused like I used too .and now shes saying I prefer porn, but its how ive got by for so long.its really .mested up.im 53sorry. I was looking forward to my sexual freedom and massive quantities of sex and orgasms. The last time I had sex was in 1997. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. If your vagina is dry, find out why. Fix it. If men want more sex the this is what you should do. I have joint custody with my ex. How about finding self-worth in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? Nothing has changed. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and shes been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. . He is 69 (as am I) and weve been married 39 years and for him sex is a thing of the long past! Count your blessings mate! Not only are you missing out on some fun in the bedroom, but most importantly, youre missing that intimate connection it creates with your wife. After having surgery 2 years ago for testicular cancer my wife wont touch me. Many health issues can affect a woman's sexual desire, from diabetes to chronic pain conditions to cancer. I think it is up to me to possibly leave my marriage because my husband is not about to change, discuss any issues, or ultimately have sex. Maybe you are the only one getting pleased and thats not fun. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. Your wife may have become so involved in raising the kids that her relationship with you takes a backseat. I guess. I am in your same position but from the other side I am a 64 year old healthy, active man. She is a vegetarian and a purist in many ways, rejecting hormone therapy because of the published risks of breast cancer associated with hormone therapy, though small, my doctor stated. For me, its been 8x in 3 yearsand Ive tried talking about it with him as frequency has dwindled to essentially nothing. Here are the 15 most probable reasons behind your wifes lack of interest in intimacy. I stumbled here because my wife shows or accepts zero affection , caring or appreciation. People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. Harley I have the same problem, my wife and I are 73 years old, 7years ago she told me she no longer had an interest in sex, so,it has been 7 dry years, she told me I was free to,find someone to have sexy with!! * PLATFORM OR CMS. But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. Im a 68, fun, attractive, domestic woman who loves intimacy. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. Be gentle and calm when you bring it up. She saw her doctor and prescribed a lube but it irritated her. In this new gynocentric west, the only answer is to find non-western women or women who were not raised in the west. An undiagnosed, underlying medical condition can also be the reason for a decreased sex drive. There are many reasons for vaginal pain, if indeed thats what shes experiencing, and getting the right medical help is essential. Sex for men is like passing gas or eating: its just a physical thing that needs to get done. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. Weve been married nearly 39 years and needless to say the last couple of decades I could have done without his aloofness. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. The counselor ABSOLUTELY never touched on the subject of sex. Id been wearing blinders believing shed never cheat. Well, its clearly only getting worse. Nothing before marriage, nothing on our wedding night and little to nothing for the next 46+ years. People get lazy and just expect sex to happen because theyre married. We lose ourselves. When your husband keeps getting fired and he sits on the computer all day and rarely does anything around the house but bitches and complains about this or that and he puts you down and calls you names. As a matter of fact, if shes not enjoying herself, I stop. But, you must remember that this rejection of your sexual advances is often triggered by some underlying reasons. Rejection soon turns into resentment. Ive been thinking about wanting a second child seven years after I gave birth to our first one. Which now seems gone forever. I want to separate from my wife of 49 years. how do i tell him that in this life, especially for them both, there is more to life than just sex. Am I ugly? Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. I love him as much as the air I breathe, but I just wish he would realize Im suffering and offer that its ok for me to have some on the side. he will not give me a divorce so yes take a lover if you need too cause feeling wanted, desired, and loved, is like food we all need it and deserve it! I dont know what kind of slob you were married to, but maybe he rolled over and fell asleep because you were so boring and disinterested. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. After my heart surgery 2 years ago for the same valve, we found the same surgeon who repaired it robotically and I was able to care for her pneumonia 2 weeks later and a year later heart failure, improved by a TAVR Aortic valve replacement last spring. Hasnt been for 15 years. I am now trying to get into health club manament and the barriers for that seem less difficult. One of the top sexual concerns women have is feeling self-conscious about their own bodies during sex. 1. I feel very bitter about it and although there have been compensations in our marriage- children and now grandchildren I have found her lack of interest difficult to cope with. For women its submitting to the protector of her choosing and bearing only his children. She knows this but never initiates. My husband is 46 gringo! I agree 100%. Your Wife Seems Uncomfortable When You Initiate Foreplay. goodluck! I so badly need a woman Just because one grows older doesnt mean that sex is over. Once menopause hit her desire for sex evaporated. No sex for about 20 years. Youre not alone. Damn was I a dumbass. oh when either of leave the house or return there is a generic kiss. No, I should say male divined WRONG! Men must risk themselves, including sacrificing their own lives if necessary, to protect the women and children in their care. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. Harley and Mike, I have a loving wife but her sex drive is down to ziltch. So the time has come to find a willing older gal and have an affair and feel alive and like a man again I have (age 60+) gone right off sex. Her duty? Got lost there. Self-love is the answer, but you can help, too. However I worked as much at home since someone had to do it. We use a great lubricant called Astroglide, to help things along, good stuff. Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. this.page.url = PAGE_URL; Holding on and hoping we can work it out, for now Im giving him space. But now living with you is not what she thought it would be and she closes shop on you. I caught my husband with his ex girlfriend. Haha it isnt always easy but I try to focus where we are in life. Be caring. Youre describing my dilemma to a tee. He didnt see me and since that day, my attitude towards him has changed. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. I dont mean to downgrade the pain someone feels with this, but there are levels to everything. No amount of counseling or therapy etc etc will change this. We have had little to no connection with them since. the women stop trying once you give them what they want. When I say intimacy, I do not mean just intercourse. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. But I noticed the past 3 years she has seldom initiated intimate relations, and I attribute that to she likes to use her ipad and play puzzle / word/ and brain teaser games and does surf her FB some. About 10 % Love 90% Hate. My opinion only, so, most likely only worthy in my estimation. (For the record, I would cook, but Im terrible at it). I think I was just the sperm donor and now I am the sugar daddy that provides her a comfortable life. She has absolutely no interest in it. I mistakenly intercepted several text Sucks to be me, right! If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. Here's her full guide to prioritizing sex as parents. She consulted with her doctor who recommended hormone treatment and her research on cancer had her rejecting that avenue. We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). // Replace PAGE_IDENTIFIER with your page's unique identifier variable Fully. But we didnt know what we had. But my wife was not. Showing discomfort is a telltale sign that your wife isn't taking foreplay positively. Sometimes I wish he would go. Not easy for her to open up and talk about thingsbeen that way all of our married lives..43 plus years. Are you a fit 55 year old woman with a high sex drive? 3. I dont know if thats whats happening for her, and of course the only way to know is to ask her. Hello Overit, Sorry about no sex demise. Then I find out shes got four different boyfriends. Discussing the problem is a problem in itself because she simply get very irritated and by it and thats the end of that! We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. I can offer a small piece of advise. Our world is obsessed with sex and without understanding the unity of compassion, respect, close bonds after many years of being together. They may be finding fulfilment on the computer/phone with others (just a guess) and so thats a big problem right there. We have had a lot of therapy through the years, but even after all this time I feel sexually numbed, completely disinterested and unable to respond.i still feel the need to be held by him and I love him so much, I felt so guilty. It took many years and visits to a lot of therapists to find out why I couldnt perform sexually with my wife during our 30 year marriage. Its like he just doesnt think about it ever. It is incumbent on each of us, male and/or female to strive for the new, the invigoration, the secure, the calm, the exciting, the passionate . Have affairs and visit escorts. It will only create more distance between you. I read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. I work part time at a day care and I find that when I havent gotten sleep the night before, my patience with the kids is really tested. Does your wife deal with mental health struggles or clinical depression? No one is talking about wives whose husbands are the one that doesnt want sex. Here are some foreplay ideas for inspo. Oh, and me driving the car, she has panic attacks and asks I dont drive. What about the years of devotion? Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy go hand in hand. It has been 5 very long years for me. Divorced quickly. My 76 year old husband has not. Like Nike says, just do it. But she is just not sexually attracted to me. I see a divorce in the near future. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. For many of us who have exhausted talking to our partners, asking to have their normal needs met, to be loved and shown love and to be valued and desired but have been met with silence, stares, okay, not interested, I am not in the mood or sleeping in separate rooms, your partner has betrayed your trust and your marriage with emotional and sexual blackmail. Although i had told him beforehand that if it didnt change I would get it on the side. Want to continue the conversation? My sex drive is strong but now my boyfriend, who is 5 years older than me, is on hypertension medicine and his testosterone is on the last number of normal. I want my wife to be happy with the experience as well. If that is not possible, it may be too late. When you first met her you were in an OTHER zone. I do not wish this upon anyone!!! Im gonna ask you a serious question please be honest. The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out, says Gopa. I think it is true that having sex with your partner is part and parcel of the love you feel for each other otherwise it just seems to fade. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like shes failing at this parenting thing. Step out of your own hurt feelings and into her world. You are so right. Women are very conscious about their bodies in general. You have grown as a human being . My wife I encourage to have her hobbies and she is a nice person. It might be seen as an act of charity on the womans part, but is it really a healthy recipe for life? He is selfish, lazy and quite frankly a self absorbed narcissist. Ive been married three times and my third wife is the number one compared to the first three. There is just so much fantasizing, flirting and masturbating that I can do. Scented coconut oil is a great way to give her a message. There is only one person I love adore and desire. Thank you Joan, for all you do. Your wife never initiates physical contact - Sex feels like a chore Is your mind saying - "my wife loves me but is not sexually attracted to me?" Your wife never initiates physical contact and she does not seem excited by that idea either. Many of us could not conceive of divorcing because we have spent a lifetime waiting around to be shown once again that we are desired by the one person we have shared our lives with and still very much love. love him & my family and weve been married for 34 years & 5 years before that. . I love him and am a bad lier, so using masturbation as a release. She like others doesnt want intimacy or sex, which I could deal with for the most part but then she makes remarks about me masturbating or watching porn. All through this past Covid year, only one time did she come forward an say I need a hug. I said no. Were a distinctive, diverse collection of people aged 60 and older who are busy changing the way we age by embracing opportunities to reshape our lives, connect with and help one another, and change the world for the better all while learning, growing, and having fun! When hes not writing or advising people on how to thrive in their relationships, he loves exploring new places with his partner, working out, and pretending that hes good at cooking exotic stuff.